A slightly less embarrassing scale-selfie

The Unbearable Heaviness of Being…

It’s not very PC to call myself heavy, and exactly two weeks after I began this (my 90th) diet I have already lost 6.2 pounds. I should I say I’ve hidden 6.2 pounds, and am hoping that I never find them again. I do have in mind a frenemy or two who I would like to find the hidden weight, but I’ll leave that work up to Karma.

Posting actual scale-selfies is mortifying, but I do find the fear of not being successful in my weight loss quest even more ulcer-inducing – hence I’m ok with it. I’ve been dieting off and on for decades, and have actually learned a lot of things along the way even though I always remained 20+ pounds above my goal. I’m a good rule-follower. I know what healthy, low-calorie fare is and how to prepare it. I know how to exercise (you lose calories even if you look like a moose doing many of them). What is it that has kept me from becoming that healthy, fit and more attractive version of myself for all these years? I suspect it has a lot to do with my fear of success rather than failure.

What if I lose all the weight, and nothing else changes? What if it turns out that not being thinner is not remotely what has kept me from having a successful romantic relationship? What if employers wouldn’t find me any more desirable – er – hireable as an average-sized woman? What if I don’t feel better inside or out? Where do I go from there?

It’s silly. I already know I’m not happy where I currently stand health-wise and weight-wise. I’ve already spent most of my adult life working on my job skills, my character, addressing my flaws, and trying to – as corny as it sounds – become the best person I can be. I’ve invested so much in me, I need to show more confidence in myself. I don’t judge others by their weight or physical attractiveness, but I can still appreciate it, and respect the work that goes into a healthy lifestyle. Now I just need to appreciate and respect that in me.

Yes I have messed-up runner's feet - no manicure can help them!

The Art of Burning 164,500 Calories

Well, “the diet” has officially started. I had to provide my starting weight, and boy it was even a couple pounds higher than it had ever been. No female who is overweight is jazzed about posting her weight in public, and I am no exception. But for the benefit of encouraging others, and proving others wrong when I finally lose the weight, I’ve posted it. It’s in the horrible picture on this page: 177.

Anyone who’s dieted a few times is likely familiar with the concept that one must burn more calories than one consumes in a day, in order to lose weight. These folks have also likely read that a pound is comprised of 3500 calories. As I’d like to get down to about 130 pounds, I must lose 47. That means I must take in 164,500 less calories than I burn off. Michael Phelps aside, most folks need an average of 2000 calories a day, higher or lower depending on sex (not if one is having sex, although that would burn calories too…), level of daily activity, metabolism, etc.

As a 48-year-old female, I fall into the “challenging” metabolism category. Generally, I have to climb three and a half mountains while carrying a 45-lb backpack to burn off one Krispy Kreme. So not worth it (unless they are hot). Some folks can just cut back on food to lose weight, but I must also work out a couple hours a day to make a dent in this Michelin Woman figure I’ve created. First-day motivation is easy – the healthier food is delicious, and I work out with the fervor that only the newly-active can muster. But it’s a marathon, not a sprint, and I’ll need a lot to keep me going for the likely half a year I’ll be doing this.

Side effect #1 has already started – I’ve peed approximately 37 times since waking. I agree with the “drink 8 glasses of water a day” adage, but I’m already down one kidney, and my cat is trying to sit on me while I type this (natch she waits till I’m actually working on the computer). It feels like she’s targeting my bladder. Be right back.

Well, at least my physical activity increases from all the potty runs. And I get up early to walk five miles with a friend (unless the weather makes it too slippery to walk outside). Adding in another hour of exercise in the day should round things out nicely. I think I’m gonna make it through Day 1 without biting anyone’s head off. Of course I’ve been mostly alone, which benefits everyone. Let’s consider my remaining calorie debt to be 163,500.

The author with weighty thoughts

Is a Middle-Aged Woman Trying to Lose Weight in the New Year a Total Cliché?

The short answer is yes. But search engines want to hear more in a post. Besides, some of the best comedy has been born of the misery of the chronic dieter. I consider myself an expert on losing weight, as well as one on gaining it. I’m a bit more proficient at the latter.

It took a couple decades, but I eventually have tried most of the major weight loss programs out there. It so happens I look to accountability and the threat of humiliation to keep myself on track, so I am going public with my 2015 weight loss quest. You’ll get to see the before shots that have until now been deleted from every electronic device I own (and from some of those of people who weren’t aware I was prying on their phones and laptops). You’ll hear what is working for me. You’ll laugh as I try to turn back the hands of time and uneat all the pepperoni pizzas with extra cheese that got me in this mess in the first place. And you’ll see how I cleverly try to appear as a feminist who wants to be admired for who I am and not how I look, while simultaneously showing off how hot I look 45 pounds from now.

And don’t forget to remind me when the men who have heretofore rejected me start to act interested – if they didn’t like me as I am now, I don’t want to date them only because I lost weight. Because it’s been a awhile and I might forget that I made this promise to myself.

Will this millionth time dieting be the charm that works for me? Will the fear of failure on a social media-enlarged scale assist or derail me? Will anyone read this? I don’t know, but I am serious about trying. Because I’d like to get on with the business of writing about many other things that matter to me, and not just about how I am just another middle-aged, overweight woman who’s gonna make this the year I lose the weight.